I'm 14 and here is the Prologue and the beginning of Chapter 1 of the story I'm writing. I was looking for some opinions on what you guys think & if this makes you want to keep reading & see what happens. (PS…this isn't all of Chapter 1, only the beginning) BTW: i already posted this question the other day but I tweaked it a little bit and I didn't get many answers so please tell me what you think!
Prologue
A person’s life, I realize, can change in a heartbeat. Why God allows this to happen, I am not sure. But what I do know is that I found that out the hard way. It’s funny how things can change in a blink of an eye. The people and things you value the most can be gone before you know it, which is why from this point on, I live my life like it’s my very last day with them.
The last thing I remember was reaching over the driver’s seat to smile at my sleeping daughter. I recall that someone honked their horn furiously and as I turned around to see what was happening, everything went black. This was the day that my life had changed forever. This is the day that I wanted to die. This is the day when I learned all of life’s lessons.
Chapter 1
1 Year Earlier
“Mommy, Ava’s crying again!” I heard Topher yell from the top of the staircase. I placed the dish I was cleaning into the sink, wiped my hands on a nearby paper towel, and dashed up the stairs to Ava’s room. Topher was hanging onto the banister post, looking distraught.
“Go back to bed, honey. I’ll bring Ava downstairs,” I assured him, nudging him towards his bedroom. He staggered towards the door while I walked across the hall to enter Ava’s nursery. Her wails pierced my ears, though I should have been used to them by now. I reached into her crib and shushed her to silence as she finally became calm. I tucked her under my arm and took her into the downstairs living room, where I strapped her in the Fischer Price baby swing that was placed in the corner of the room. As I gave it a gentle push, Ava fell asleep instantly. I walked back to the kitchen and leaning against the counter, feeling tired and weak. I sighed and turned around to finish cleaning the dishes. As I stacked them neatly in the counter, a wave of sadness hit me, which had been happening a lot lately. I shut the kitchen light off and flopped onto the couch in the living room. I glanced at the clock, which said it was 12:41 AM.
I knew I wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon, so I filled my mind with thoughts on my children and everything else that was going on in my life. As always, an image of Kyle popped in my head, which resulted in a flash of resentment and anger pass through my body. His image brought back a flood of memories, ones I wished to forget.
Suggestion:
The Honest Truth:
Good. Yep, it was good.
-"I recall that someone honked their horn furiously and as I turned around to see what was happening, everything went black." This sentence was too long for a dramatic scene. Break it up a little: My gaze was whipped back to the windshield when I heard the startling honk of a car. My skin crawled and my heart throbbed… but only for a moment. The moment just before everything went black.
-"I glanced at the clock, which said it was 12:41." This sentence was bad. Change it to: I glanced at the clock. 12:41. (I think that sounds better.)
-Topher? What's wrong with a simple Max? I tell ya, I couldn't get used to the name Topher in a million years. It really threw me off because it reminded my of Toph from Avatar the Last Air-bender. Then I got distracted. (I loved the show Avatar!
-Don't be afraid to put voice into it. Have a variety of sentence lengths. Don't write like a robot, man! "The children!" We're not in the freaking 1600's. (I'm not good with history, but you get the point.) You can say 'the kids.' Just loosen up.
Overall score: Pretty good!
Rate 1-10: 7 (You're getting there! Trust me, I used to write like that last year. Now my writing is TOTALLY AWESOME! Practice makes perfect!)
-You're 14?!?! I'm 13!
Good Luck!
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